I’m sitting here feeling a little bit ridiculous with one of those Biore nose strip things on. I’m grappling with a lot of weird feelings these days, and awkwardness even when I am alone is a new one.
My abrupt disappearance from the web was facilitated by the re-emergence of depression in my life.
Back when I was a child/teen I was severely depressed and fought tooth and nail every day just to keep going. It was truly debilitating. I took every type of antidepressant available at the time, and was in intense therapy for many years. I still am, though not quite as intense these days.
After many years of therapy, I finally started getting better. Going to college was great for me, though my struggles had left me with great gaps in my social skills, keeping me awkward and shy at the oddest times. I missed a great deal of my life while I was under the cloud. It gives me a unique perspective on life and people, though whether this is good or bad I can’t say.
I thought I had triumphed.
How naive of me.
I know I keep whining about how this has been such a tough year for me; but it really has. First the Mr. Darcy fiasco, then general glumness. I have grown increasingly miserable at my job and lack of prospects which was made worse when there were staff changes that threw my whole working world into chaos.
At the same time my beloved dog passed away suddenly, I was having no luck finding a new job and my friends were nowhere to be found. I had to adjust to a new roommate which is always a challenge and somehow keep going at work.
Still no job leads, and now my poor cat Tigger develops cancer and dies within a matter of 3 days. I watched his life pass out of him on the veterinarian’s table and my heart still aches for him. I never even got to grieve properly.
I went to the Spirits of the Earth Festival immediately after, hoping to find some healing and hope, to forget about my worries, but instead the solitude overwhelmed me and I was forced to come home early (usually I have a great time there).
I come back to another bomb at work and I’m just so unhappy!! So unhappy! My life has been getting progressively darker and I am unable to maintain control over my emotions or reactions. I call my parents from a random park, sobbing.
Wonder of wonders my dad (who thinks that depression is just “the blues” and not a serious illness despite living with both me and my mom as depressives) suggests that I go on short term disability at work. The thinking is that I get a chance to be away from the misery for a while, and find a new job in the meantime.
Nothing in my industry has popped up lately–the summer is the worst time to find a job. So now I am relegated to finding something, anything that will pay my bills so that I don’t have to go back to my current office. The future is looking rather bleak right now.
I’m sitting here, home alone in my pyjamas, shunned by my cat (who is still peeing on my bed *sigh*) and feeling quite pitiful.
So that’s where I’ve been, folks. That’s why I haven’t been writing much, though there is so much I want to talk about. I am just plain old overwhelmed, and I’m afraid that my sadness is going to seep into my writing; and really, who wants to read THAT?
I don’t really know what the purpose of this post was. I guess I just wanted to talk to someone, and I felt accountable to all my regulars. I never thought I would be this way again, but I guess I am. Sucks.
Does anyone want to hire a down-on-her-luck blogger for something? I’m actually good at a lot of things, but don’t really know what to do. I’m thinking of going back to school for something (but what?) but will still need a job to pay the bills. I’m looking at reception jobs right now because I can’t think of anything else.
Based on what you “know” about me, what kind of job or career would you suggest for me? I’m not good at anything that needs math skills.
6 responses to “Hello darkness my old friend”
*HUGS*
I sympathize with the depression. I too am a sufferer and I know how debilitating it really can be – someone who has never had to deal with it will never understand how 'emotions' can shut a body down.
I agree with your Dad. Go on disability. Clear your head. Go stay with your parents for a time if that would help at all. Get outside, a lot. Exercise. Eat a lot of comfort food like soup and whatever else rows your boat. Do your best to keep your stress level low by not trying to resolve all of the hurdles you have at once. See your doc about increasing your meds or trying something different. See your therapist. Talk to someone, anyone, about it all. Vent. Get angry. Be sad. Cry! Surround yourself with people that are good for you and your life. Seek THEM out – they may be afraid or unsure of how to deal with what's going on. Warn them you may break down at odd times but to please just.be.there. for you.
And, your 'regulars' are here for you too – even if it's only online. 🙂 I wub you, beautiful. *hugshugshugs*
You know I stink at comfort, but if you want to hang out sometime, we totally can. I’ve moved to Hamilton and it’s summer so my work is practically nil – I’m closer and have lots of time! Let me know what’s good for you. <3
Hi Ginger – I have been reading your blog for a while now, and while I think I have never commented, I've always wanted to. I – like you – struggle with depression, and know how hard it is to deal with it on a daily basis. BUT I also know how important it is to realize and remember your own value at a time like this. So, I thought I'd tell you how much I love reading your blog. It always resonates with me, and you come across as a very honest, insightful and a beautiful person inside and out.I hope the dark times pass soon, and that you start feeling better soon.
Many hugs!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Depression runs in my family so while I've never experienced it myself in this way, I've watched my mom and especially my brother live with it for years and it broke my heart watching it break THEM. I also sympathize with the job situation… I have been laid off twice and done one short contract recently so I've been unemployed THREE TIMES in the last 2.5 years, and I lament the job search market in my industry right now where I live. I finally just gave up trying to become someone's employee and I'm getting licensed right now to become a financial advisor, and I will be self-employed. Have you considered starting your own business? You could go it alone entirely doing whatever you want, or you could do a sort of hybrid self-employment like what I'm doing in any number of industries where you are associated with a company and paid commissions by them doing something like being a realtor, financial advisor, mortgage broker etc. They'll often pay for your training. I don't really know your background but it's always something to consider.
Short term disability might not be a bad idea for you right now, I'm sure you could get your doctor to sanction that you need it. I wish I lived where you live, I would totally hang out!
Thanks guys, your words and support mean a lot to me.
I am currently on the short term disability (already have the Dr. note, etc.), but it's a double-edged sword! Its nice not having to go to work, but the downside is that I'm home alone depressed now.
For the time being the goal is to find a new job that is less stressful (such as reception) and go back to school–I am considering entrepreneurship studies part-time so that I can open my own business and hopefully make some contacts.
There's just so much to consider! I'm looking at a whole-life change and I'm not going to lie–I am terrified. The worst part is not knowing what I really want and dealing with this melancholy all the time. Thank goodness for emergency funds, right?
I was also dealt another blow–while I am still grieving for one cat I now have another. I have to give Sheba up because I just can't afford to have her peeing on my things all the time. I'm really going to miss her since we have finally started to bond, but I just can't have a cat that pees everywhere and bites me all the time.
*sigh*
I hope you feel better, Grechen <3 I don't have depression, but I do have some anxiety issues & it's really frustrating when people don't understand that you can't control things like that. It's not just a matter of "cheer up" for you any more than it is "calm down" for me.