I need a little input on something to see if I’m just being totally selfish and crass, or if my concerns are valid.
So I spent a bunch of time and money making those giftbaskets for my friends. One of them was for this gal that I spent a lot of time with over the summer (the one who took in a female friend who then seduced her husband and got her kicked out of the relationship and the apartment).
The thing I am struggling with is whether to give her the basket at all at this point. Ever since I helped her get her shit together and move out of the house we’ve barely talked at all. She hasn’t invited me over to her new place or asked me to do anything with her. This is after she tells me that I’m “like a sister to her” in the summer.
See, I’ve never really felt that close to her. She was fun at times and was one of the people who helped me get settled in the Pagan community here. But the problem is that we are from totally different worlds.
You all know enough about me… she is a high school dropout, got pregnant at 16, has 3 kids that she lost custody of to her ex. She has mooched off of the government her whole life via welfare and disability. She’s also incredibly immature in that it’s like she never grew up past high school, which means she’s petty and a gossip and manipulative. She also has a tendency to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion.
I try to look past all of this because she does have a good heart. She loves her children and tries to take care of herself and others, and she has had a real rough life.
But lately, with this lack of contact in any form (and me finding out that she’s off partying with other mutual friends, having dinner parties, etc. without inviting me to anything) I’m not really feeling the love. I don’t really want to give her the basket I put so much effort into when I don’t feel like she “deserves it”; and I know she won’t reciprocate.
So tonight when I saw her at our Solstice/Yule celebration (yay for the birth of the son/sun!) I just gave her a card with a nice note in it instead. I am still on the fence about the gift.
I am so conflicted because I don’t want to give it to her and have myself get shafted, but at the same time it’s a gift for bobsakes! I know you’re not supposed to give gifts and expect anything in return. Plus, it would be a nice thing to do, and we DID have some good times.
Gifting is such a complex, deeply emotional thing for me. I have so many conflicting feelings about it. I want to give because it brings me joy. But I also want to be a scrooge because all my life I have given and given and never gotten anything in return from others. After a while you just have to stop sacrificing yourself for unrequited friendships. That’s how I’ve managed to make it through life so far–withdrawing into myself and trusting no one.
So now I’m left with an extra basket and I’m not sure what to do with it. Should I suck it up and give it to her, and never see her again? Try and find someone else that I would like to give it to? Disassemble it and use the bits myself?
Am I being a selfish jerk, or am I within my rights to withhold this gift?
18 responses to “A Christmas Conundrum”
Oh man. Tough one.
It would be different if she HADN'T been out with other friends, I think. Has she given you a card or anything in return?
This is going to sound so not friendly of me but I'd say keep the basket around for a little while as like an 'emergency gift', but a week or so after Christmas I'd open it and nom on the goodies myself, LOL.
IMO – don't give her the gift. You gave her a card, that's enough for the kind of "friend" she is. But, if you want to have her as a friend, not a "friend", I would open up to her about how you've been hurt by her lack of communication.
Because you did make it for her and put so much effort into it (and also in the spirit of Christmas?) I think you should give her. I totally get where your coming from in that it's hard to try and maintain a friendship when you feel like your the only one putting in all the work. But at the end of the day, you did put in the work and you did try, if nothing else make this your last attempt at reaching out.
Besides it sounds like you "friend" hasn't had the easiest year (completely through her own doing) but still..this selfless gesture may go a long way in showing her that someone is thinking about her and wishing her the best.
You are always within your rights to withhold the gift. It's yours to give or not give. I've been where you are and felt as though I wasn't being appreciated, etc. As you grow and learn through life, you will learn why you choose the people you do to have around you. And that will change as you mature – you will learn to pick people who are more in line with your own values and thinking.
If you want to feel good about yourself, give the gift. That way you know you have done something without expecting anything back.
If you want to "punish" her for how she has been lately, then don't give her the gift. Again, it's totally up to you. It's more about how YOU will feel in the end – not about her.
I think it's fine that you didn't give her the present: the card you gave her with the nice message written inside is plenty for now!
Because you did make it for her and put so much effort into it (and also in the spirit of Christmas?) I think you should give her. I totally get where your coming from in that it's hard to try and maintain a friendship when you feel like your the only one putting in all the work. But at the end of the day, you did put in the work and you did try, if nothing else make this your last attempt at reaching out.
Besides it sounds like you "friend" hasn't had the easiest year (completely through her own doing) but still..this selfless gesture may go a long way in showing her that someone is thinking about her and wishing her the best.
Personally, I see a gift as something you WANT to give. I also tend to only give gifts to people I'm close to – there is a large group of us that are great friends, and we don't do gifts -if we DO have a gift exchange, it will be at a party, and it will end up being a secret santa kind of thing.
If you aren't feeling it, don't do it. Why does it have to be for a friend, why can't you bring it home with you and give it to family? That was an awesome gif basket, and I personally wouldn't give it if I was going to end up feeling slighted. Yes, it is a season for giving, but it's a season of giving because you want to, not because you have to. It's a gift that took a lot of time and effort, and I suggest you give it to whomever you feel you want to 🙂
I totally think you are within your rights to withhold this gift. It was very thoughtful of you to give her a card with a nice note in it. Did she do the same for you? I'm sure she probably has a pen and paper or at least internet access she could drop you an email or e-card. If she is out partying with other friends I don't think she is all that busy and she could have at least gave you a call here and there. From the sounds of it she needed you to help her through a difficult time and you delivered and now she's being a 'fairweather friend.' Gifting is emotional for me as well so I can relate to how you feel. I think you need to ask yourself is she the type of person who would appreciate your gift? Good luck with your decision.
Yeah, you've hit the nail on the head. She is a fairweather friend to me, and I think it has always been that way. I helped her because I felt pity for her and she was also nice to me when I was new; but I think that I got confused somewhere along the way.
I don't know if we would have been friends in different circumstances, especially since now I'm realizing how much some of her traits grate on me. We had some good times, but I was always the one taking her out, bringing her food, listening to her tell me about her hardships… I'm a bleeding heart and felt bad for her so I wanted to help.
I feel somehow obligated to give her this gift, though when I analyze it all, I shouldn't feel obligated or guilty. The main reason is because she helped me do all of that canning for the fruits in the summer, which was work. But then again, I did SO MUCH for her and her husband for months before that it should "even the score" if you know what I mean. They literally had NO money, even for food for some weeks, and I would cook them food and bring it over, or order a pizza for them, all while trying to preserve their dignity. I didn't want them to know I thought of them as charity, only that I wanted to give them these things. In reality I couldn't really afford it at all.
Aside from helping me can, she really hasn't reciprocated anything to me in the relationship whether material or emotional. She's a very selfish individual but it's only because of the way her life has been so far so I forgive her for that.
To Single Ma's point below, I think I may just let the relationship die a natural death. It's too much work and is emotionally exhausting to deal with her all the time. It doesn't feel like a mutual friendship.
I think I'll hang on to the basket for now and see how I feel in a few days, or if I can find someone else I would like to give it to. Who knows, I may change my mind and give it to my friend in this post anyway. I just need to sort out my feelings on it all…
QUESTION: If you haven't spoken with her in a while and never felt "that" close to her, why'd you make a basket for her in the first place?
Nothing has changed about your relationship between when you made the baskets and now. It sounds like you're just mad because you weren't invited to the other parties. Rational feeling of rejection because you're human, but not enough to withhold a gift intended for a FRIEND.
Either she's your friend or she isn't. Either you care about her or you don't. You've already put in a lot of time and effort to make the basket, so give it to someone you care about with an open heart and don't expect anything in return. If it is a mutual loved one (key word is mutual), the gesture will be returned in one way or another over time.
If you want to sever the relationship with her because it feels one sided, then do so. However, her past shouldn't have anything to do with it. REAL friends love and cherish their friends for who they are. Fair-weather friends are seasonal and aren't usually recipients of valuable gifts (i.e. anything that requires a significant amount of time, effort, or money). Only you can decide which one she is to you.
I think because gifting IS such a complicated and emotional thing (especially nowadays, where it seems like you're supposed to spend SO much money and get everyone & their uncle gifts), I think that if you don't feel 100% on giving it to her, you shouldn't. It's not about the reciprocation of the gift, but more the reciprocation of friendship over the past several months…. something she has obviously NOT been doing.
Honestly, since it sounds like you don't want to give her the gift, don't. And do not feel selfish! Something you spent so much time on should go to people you want it to, not because you feel obligated (or that it would be a nice thing to do).
I think you're over-thinking it. Remember that she has no idea you even made a gift for her and won't know the difference if you decide not to give it to her. Strip away all the info about whether you helped her this summer and how long she spent canning fruit with you and how many times she's ignored you etc and just ask yourself: do I want to give this to her without expectation of anything (either a gift OR an invitation to spend time together) in return?
Honestly it sounds to me like you expect the gift to act as a guilt trip for her, so that she will contact you and put some effort into your friendship. And you also don't really expect that it will work, so you want to withhold the gift in order to protect your heart from rejection. While that's understandable, that's not really a gift. It's turning your friendship into a hurtful game and the gift would just be a tactic to get something in return. Unless you can truly give it as a gift without any ill feelings or hidden motives, I say keep it for yourself and don't start playing this game. Maybe just let the friendship die a natural death if she doesn't put in any effort herself.
I actually never even thought of doing it to make her guilty or to play some kind of game… I'm not really into that kind of stuff –I had way too much of it when I was a teen. And at this point I don't really want to spend much more time with her, anyway.
If I give it to her it would be with no strings attached since I know for a fact I won't get anything back (she's just not in a position to give gifts out to anyone). It's just whether I actually want to go through with it since I've decided to let the friendship go.
After getting some feedback and thinking about it some more, I think I may give the gift to my grandparents instead. They love homemade goodies but can't make them anymore and I know they would love to get the basket and would really appreciate it. And it would make me feel good because (obviously) I love my grandparents.
(In our family the grandkids traditionally don't give anything to the older members of the family which is why I did not already have something for them)
I hope it didn't sound like an accusation. I think it just sounded to me, from an objective standpoint, that those may have been your subconscious reasons – I wasn't trying to imply you were consciously "playing a game" but I hoped my perspective might add a point of view you hadn't considered.
By the way, I think giving this girl a gift if you've decided to let the friendship go is maybe a little pointless, even if it is a nice gesture. But giving it to your grandparents is lovely!
No, it's cool. It DID make me think on it. In the past I may have done something like that, but this time it was just a different case.
I agree with A Little Coffee above mostly ^
When it comes right down to it, you have to ask yourself, "Do I want to give a gift?" for the basic emotion of wanting to give. Not because of what she might think or what others might think or what it might mean. Try not to overthink it.
I didn't read all the comments on this, but I question whether the relationship you have with this person would qualify as friendship. You're already doubting about whether to give her a gift, were if she a true friend, you'd have no second thoughts. I'd say withhold the gift, you just might be surprised by someone else. You did show her you cared in the form of a card.