I’ve talked before about my insecurities and low self esteem issues on here before, especially pertaining to my inability to get romantically close to anyone or form relationships.
I just read a mind-blowing post from a plus-sized callgirl/escort/whore of all people on how to find your sexy self. It’s got to be one of the most hope-inspiring, soothing things I’ve read in ages.
Everyone suffers from insecurities, and a lot of mine stem from my physical appearance. I have a lot of internal wounds to deal with as well, but those take a long time to get over. In the meantime I’ve been working on my body in the hopes that it will be a step towards my being more confident.
10 years ago, Ginger was thus:
-Snaggle-toothed
-terrible hair
-sloppy dresser
-awful skin
-bespectacled
-whiny voice
-FAT
Since then I’ve done the following to “fix” myself:
– had braces & orthodontic work. Now I’ve got a killer smile.
– grown out my hair & learned basic haircare techniques and styles. My hair is one of my best features now
– learned about fashion, style and makeup application. People come to me for tips and advice.
– currently taking Accutane to deal with the acne–so far so good!
– had laser eye surgery twice to get rid of the glasses. I’m now 20/20.
– took voice lessons, sang in choirs & recorded CD’s, giving me a smoother and more evenly pitched voice. Apparently people like to listen to me speak now.
My one remaining hurdle in what I perceive to be my ultimate list is my fat. Its the biggest, oldest and scariest item on that list. Its not just something physical you can fix, like the other items. For me it is a genetic and emotional issue to deal with. If I could have just paid some money and fixed it–believe me, I would have!
I’ve been fat for so long that I don’t know how to be any other way. It’s a love/hate relationship. Of course I don’t want to be fat… but…how do I be skinny? What will protect me from the cruel world if I lose all my fat? It’s almost like a safety blanket for me.
I’ve obviously got some bad habits that not only got me fat but kept me fat. I take responsibility for the section that I should. But I’m also battling genetics which means I can’t just “eat less, exercise more”. I’ll have you know I already eat less and exercise more than some of my peers; and yet they remain at socially acceptable dress sizes. Go figure.
What this all leaves me with is an almost-awesome state of being–I’m just that much away from it. I’ve had a shitty life so far and a lot of it was due in part by my weight, and how other people have treated me because of it. I don’t relish being fat. I don’t encourage people to be fat; but I’m trying to find acceptance for it until I can get down to a healthy size for me. Do I really need society leaning on me so hard?
All of this in combination with my emotional baggage has made me feel like I’m worthless inside. I’ve battled with depression, suicide and intense criticism from family, friends and outsiders. This is what has led to my trust issues and inability to open up and let people in. I walk around with my shields up and a “don’t talk to me” vibe (apparently) and don’t even realize it. I sabotage myself. But all I can think of when I see a hot guy is:
Why would anyone want a fat girl?
Or more specifically, why would anyone want me? Sure, on the outside I’ve got what appears to be lots to offer. If we were to do one of those fruity self-esteem exercises where you list all of your positive attributes I would have no trouble doing that.
But somehow those attributes just don’t translate into “Ginger, you’re worth it!” in my brain. I hide behind my fat and have a pity party because no cute boys smile at me.
Or worse, when they DO smile at me. The horror! I’m so unused to positive attention that I don’t even know how to deal with it. My friend Eve compliments me (genuinely) a lot, and gets frustrated with me when I can’t accept her compliments. I love hearing them, but I never truly feel like I deserve them.
I’ve hidden behind my fat and insecurities for so long that I’m way behind everyone else in the social arena. Its so embarrassing that I can’t even talk about it on here, and this is my blog for chrissakes. What’s a girl to do? I’m a cripple by my own hand. I know theoretically what I should be doing (I’ve read enough self-help books I could write my own) but its harder than you think to put things in action. Especially when all those damned self-help books are written by people who aren’t fat and don’t have the same complex self-esteem issues that I do.
I’m utterly oblivious to any romantic interest in me, and when I do notice something it tends to be the terrible creepers, and that just freaks me out even more. So up go more walls. Stupid, I know. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over this. I’m waiting for my prince charming, but being a realist I know he’s never going to come.
*sigh*
Check out that post by Curvy Gal anyway, even if you’re not fat. Its a great piece of advice for anyone.
4 responses to “Curvy Gal to the rescue”
Oh lady.
Okay well let’s just say: Been there; doing that.
I am definitely at one of my heavier points, but I’ve always been overweight, with the brief exception of a time in my early 20s when I worked out too much and made sure to eat way too little. Not a healthy alternative.
I know well that feeling of incredulity when someone does show interest. It’s a matter of self-confidence, and it’s vital that you find some. Therapy, self-help, whatever it takes. Even if it’s just reminding yourself every day what your awesome traits are.
The thing about most people… If you walk around like you’re not worth their time, they’ll tend to believe you. A little confidence goes a lot further than a firm body.
If you do start to work on losing weight, go slowly. It’s hard to do. I know. I’m doing it now. But statistically, the slower you lose the weight, the more likely you are to keep it off. And it gives you more time to adjust your own self image.
When I lost a bunch of weight, I still thought of myself as overweight. Meanwhile, I was completely overwhelmed by men’s increased interest in me. (Wow, that sounds arrogant. Hopefully, you know what I mean.) I was so flattered, I didn’t really discriminate as much as I should have. As a result, I fooled around with a lot of losers. At the time, I chalked it up to female sexual liberation. I suppose it’s true to a point. But part of it was that I just didn’t really know how to cope with the attention.
Also, you don’t have to be perfectly shaped to do well in the guy department. Most men don’t mind a few extra pounds if it means you have curves. My husband likes to point out that he dated skinny girls for awhile. Most were so thin that it could actually hurt. (Hip bones protrude, nuff said.) He prefers gals with some real curves and a little padding. Which is why we get on famously. And why he threatens to sleep-feed me if I get too thin.
Also, depending on your size — fat is kind of a nebulous term — there are plenty of BBW dating sites. Some men only want a substantial gal. I have a friend who tried one or two out with semi-decent results. I think it was nice for her, relaxing, to know that she was in the guy’s target audience, as it were. To be accepted as she was.
But also remember that a good number of women aren’t nearly as fat as they think they are. So be sure to get a professional opinion about a weight goal to shoot for.
Anyway, that’s enough lecturing. Probably, you knew all this. I do get where you’re coming from, though. I’m a lifelong depressive and have been suicidal. I have huge issues with walls. I don’t even know that I’m putting them up but once I notice them, everyone around me basically says, “Uh… yeah. We thought you knew.” I’m not good at letting people in. Even my husband sometimes has to really work to get to my real feelings. I’m just too good at locking them (and myself) away when they’re not what they’re “supposed” to be.
I also know how hard it can be to date when you have dealt with depression/have been suicidal. There’s always the question about when or if to bring it up. It’s not even something I really talk about with friends, except to say obliquely that my depression is worsening and making things harder.
So… I guess the moral (if there is one) is to have hope. You will find your way. And more confidence. Sometimes it starts with something as simple as making a conscious effort to smile more. If you do, you’re more approachable. Assuming you want to be approached, of course.
Hey Ginger,
Thanks for this blog post. It reminds me of pretty much how I’ve felt for a very long time! More confidence is the key, regardless of size. I did learn this a couple of years ago when I felt bad before heading out to a party.
I was angry that my flatmate at the time said he’d never be attracted to heavier women. He wasn’t so trim himself (and God knows he wasn’t my type..we were just friends)! It got me thinking..”Screw him! I’m as sexy as the next girl!” Needless to say, I got dressed up and went to the party. I met a man there and was with him for 2 years!! I am sure that it was my attitude that attracted him. Although I was acting at the time, I followed the old adage: fake it until you make it.
Now, having said that..it’s not something I’m able to do at the drop of a hat. It takes a lot of courage and strength (and not comparing myself to my friends!)and is an ever uphill battle.
Of course it helps me to remember that everyone has some sort of hangup about themselves, but mine happens to be on the outside (and is something I can dress up, tone up and something that some men actually find attractive!) I have dated men that had no problem with my weight at all and that always shocks/scares me..but you know what? They too have their own issues…everyone does. 🙂
I am far from my ideal weight in any world, but I am working on being healthy and feeling good about the choices I am making. We are only on this earth for a short time and I do think we owe it to ourselves to make the best of it either as a solo journey or as part of a team.
I am working on smiling more as the above commenter posted and I am trying to put myself out there and not relegate myself to the table in the corner anymore.
Because I am a bit of a photographer too, I found that snapping photos of myself helped me immensely. I learned how to ‘look good’ in a photo so that I actually LIKED seeing pictures of myself! Any positive reinforcement is good.
As I posted over at that post:
As someone who’s pretty much only ever dated larger women … and is currently engaged to one … I’ve learned a few things.
Don’t ‘settle’ for a BBW-lovin’ guy. Wouldn’t it be nice to be loved just for who you are — yes, and how you look — instead of because you fit their drool-inspiring agenda? As my lady put it, “I want to be a girlfriend, not a fetish.”
If you don’t like how you look, own it, don’t project it. Do something about it or accept it, but don’t make it other peoples’ fault if they aren’t into it.
Don’t become one of “those girls” who’s so hungry for attention from a man — any man, if it gets lonely enough — that she’d do things outside her own true moral self. I’m a fat dude myself, and I know that I was one of “those guys” … and frankly, “those guys” can meet “those girls” in ways that are mutually exploitative.
Don’t be the pity f*ck. Don’t give the pity f*ck. Do what feels good, but be brutally honest with yourself about why. Living by the cognitive distortion that “I don’t think I’ll ever get to do this again, because I’m [fat, ugly, just a mess]” has gotten me into more trouble than I’d care to admit.
Bottom line: you may think folks won’t like you, and you’re right … not everyone will. You’re not everyone’s cup of tea. You can’t change that. All you can change is you — how you relate to the world. You can go out and make all the mistakes by yourself, sure. Experience is the name we later give to our mistakes — and I can tell you from my experience that you’ll look back on yourself more fondly if you live from the top of your potential.
As for the advice here — yeah, date girls. And if you’re into stereotypes, pretty much all the big girls I’ve dated have been hit on mercilessly by black guys. Your mileage may vary.
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