As a follow-up to the post below:
I think the reason why I want to shop so badly is because…wait for it… I have a coffee date on Friday! (I think)
I haven’t told anyone in real life about this yet, but since you guys are all my internet friends and know how lame I am already I can mention it here. Why is this lame? Because I only know him from online.
When meeting people from teh intrawebs I’m cool if it’s for friendship and you’re a female, I really enjoy it. I’ve made lots of friends, including my BFF that way. But I still feel that there is a stigma about meeting guys online.
You all know I’m a huge failure in the dating department (among other things) and I feel kind of stupid having to meet people online because I can’t do it in real life. I think it’s ok if other people do it… but just not me. Does that make any sense?
My roommate has diagnosed me as afraid of boys and I think she’s right. I don’t know how this little meetup is going to go. He might not even show up? I might make an ass of myself?
I suppose I should give you some backstory, though.
I’ve been on and off of those dating sites for a long time (yes, I’m ridiculously sad) and I guess somwhere along the line I was chatting with this guy J. A LONG time ago.
Recently I was just chilling online and I get a little MSN message from him. I have no idea who this guy is but I responded back because I was bored. He seems to think I’m pretty based on my MSN photo (and later I showed him some photos on Facebook). I agree, I do look ok in it, but I certainly wasn’t fishing for dates with it.
Anywho, he keeps wanting to talk to me every few days and we actually have some stuff to talk about so it’s fine. I eventually get him to send me some photos since I have no idea who I’m talking to; he’s relatively cute. And he wants to meet up with me for coffee. I agree and we’re finally getting around to it tomorrow.
However I haven’t been able to get ahold of him yet to confirm the time. Stupid internet. So it may not happen after all.
Ok so I’m on a roll now with the emotional dishing so I want to talk about why I think I might be scared of boys.
I totally am. In general and romantically speaking. A real shrinking violet. I think there are a number of factors contributing to this inability to deal with the opposite sex.
Primarily because I have a ridiculously low level of self-esteem stemming from the fact that I am fat, and always have been. Sometimes I think I’m really pretty (for a fat girl). I’ve even done some modelling before, and I have all the right features (long blonde hair, green eyes, nice smile, full lips, small nose, big boobs, round bum) however I am fat and have bad skin so it cancels it all out. I just can’t get over that. I can’t imagine myself as desirable to anyone at all.
For that reason, I’m afraid of any kind of intimacy, whether emotional or physical. I was mildly molested by someone I trusted when I was in college which makes it hard for me to believe that anyone who is not an old man would want to touch me (please, no sympathy on this one, it just makes it awkward). Also the fat issue again. And the jerks in school who used to use me and abuse my friendship. I just can’t trust anyone anymore.
I really want a boyfriend and a relationship, but I’m scared shitless of the whole idea. I can’t even smile at guys that I like, unless they’re already my friends (like my kung fu boys) and harmless. I pretty much avoid interaction with guys, giving off “I’m taken vibes” because I’m so afraid of rejection–but also of acceptance. What a dilly of a pickle.
This has resulted in a severe dearth of dating experience for me. I feel like I’m still in grade 6.
I’ve tried to fix the situation but my last attempt ended horrifically. And I’m afraid to do that again.
Anyway this is just some of the stuff that has been rattling around in my head lately. I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me and why I can’t just get over it. It’s been 24 years for forks’ sake.
If I go meet this guy tomorrow I’m just going to be myself; but what happens after that? What if he does for some bizarre reason fancy me? I have no idea what to do about that. And I’m scared that I will like him, or that I won’t. I’m in a blind panic over this.
This is why I want to shop.
4 responses to “Why I Want To Shop”
OH! Don’t give in to the shopping. Stay strong, PF’er.
And you’ve basically described my dating life up until 19. Then I started meeting guys online …(a lot of losers, I might add), and for some reason, guys started to find me attractive (once the braces were off and the contacts were on of course).
From online dating, I gained the confidence to meet guys online and in real life (where I met BF at work), so.. it’s not as bad as it seems.
Really.
You’re going to meet a lot of idiots, freaks, losers… but there may be someone out there who’s just like you. Shy, normal and looking for someone.
I also knew (hand to blog!) some really hot guys and girls who went online in search for dates, and ended up marrying the person. I kid you not.
anyway, my point is to go on this date, or start dating with an open mind to gain the confidence in meeting new people because you were shy just like me.. and to have fun with it.
After a while, you’ll ease right into it and it’ll be an old hat, and you’ll be able to comfortably interact with icky boys and their cooties in person.
I must admit, I am also dying for some juicy horrible blind date stories, so… 🙂 …. there’s my ulterior motive.
I know FB said not to shop but if it was me, I might just give in & buy myself a little treat.
Meeting people online seems so normal to me nowadays. I know people that have taken the online route & are still in relationships with somebody they met online so you never know. & keep us posted!
Of course it’s scary, nobody said dating was easy!
But… guys are nervous too. I mean, generally they are the ones that have to take the lead, make the first move etc. Not in all cases, but that’s what is “expected”.
I’m sure if you relax and just be yourself (yes, I know that sounds corny) everything will be ok. Think about whether or not you like him and don’t worry about what he thinks of you!
Good luck! 🙂
You’re adorable. I love how you probably feel like the only person in the world who is this way, and yet half (or more) of the people reading this, including me, TOTALLY recognize your thought process as one we’ve had! I come at it from a different angle for different reasons, but I too have suffered from the severe inability to talk to men that I am remotely interested in, because I feel unworthy (something about my ex fiance having children with another woman and not telling me…WHILE we’re living together!). I’m recovering now, thankfully. But… I think its something that always sticks with you, just a little bit.
Here’s the thing, you have one AMAZING personality. And clearly, you’ve got alot of girlfriends who think you’re worth spending time with. Some dude is gonna think the same thing too, you just need to LET HIM instead of blocking him out before he has a chance. (easier said than done, i know).
This is kinda cheeseball but here’s a quote that I love that might help (I’m a quote person):
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~ Anais Nin
Good luck lovely! If nothing else, hey! free coffee! Who doesn’t love that?
Oh and I’m with Rags2Riches… a shopping treat is in order!