I’m not going to lie, I’ve been feeling a little stressed about my friend T’s wedding and related activities. Money has been tight with me lately and now I’ve got to get my eyes zapped again in the middle of the month (more on that later) and she has just told me of another cost I’m going to have to incur for her wedding (All wedding party members must supply a gift for the raffle/door prizes at the stag & doe).
I’m feeling overwhelmed and snappy, so I think I need to sit back and crunch some numbers to see what the revised costs of this wedding fiasco are. I feel as though it’s getting too expensive for me… I want to be the good friend that doesn’t let her down, that goes the extra mile, but I’m becoming frustrated because I’m expected to pay for all this stuff that I don’t feel I should have to pay for. My parents have also pointed out the following:
“You’re doing all this stuff and spending all this time and money on her, stretching yourself thin. Plus you have to travel so far to do all this. Do you really think she would do the same for you? Do you think she would run around to 3 wedding showers, spend all that money on a bachelorette and still go to a stag & doe and spend money while also donating a gift? I don’t think so.”
That was from my mom. Yes, I consider T my best friend and I want to do right by her, but my mom has an excellent point. I have a tendency to go the extra mile for people, but then it is never, ever reciprocated to me, and I end up getting hurt. I do all these nice things for other people, and therefore have higher expectations of my friends and family. If I do it, why can’t they?
But as I’ve learned time and time again, most people are just not as considerate as me. This makes me bitter, angry and sad. I know T has done some really nice things for me in the past and will probably continue to do so in the future; but if I’ve learned anything it’s that you can’t count on anyone for anything.
Which is why I am currently feeling this way about the wedding. She’s asking a lot of me and I don’t think it would ever be reciprocated to me.
Now I want to talk about the events and what is “expected of me” versus what I think I’m actually going to do.
Bridal shower
Expected: To show up to the 2 of them this weekend with a gift. Probably also to go out to dinner and/or shopping with T (something I usually enjoy but can’t afford right now). Or, sit around while I wait for the stupid things to be over. I don’t really want to go to them, I’m sure I’ll be bored stiff. I will also feel awkward because I’m sort of the odd one out… it’s T’s family and local friends who all know each other and I’m the outsider.
What I will do: I’ll go, but I’m only bringing one gift, and will bring my Jenny food to eat. I won’t be able to go shopping or pay for anything additional for T. It’s still going to cost me to travel though.
Gift: $45
Travel: $50
Incidentals: $25
Total: $120
Stag & Doe
Expected: To pay for a ticket, then pay for a lot of drinks to help them raise money. Also to pay for a gift to be raffled off. I hate the idea of a stag & doe, it just a money grab and I find it offensive. If you can’t pay for your wedding, then make it smaller! They invite everyone, literally. Even if you’re not invited to the wedding you’re invited to the stag & doe. Ugh. Apparently this is a common thing with small town folk though, so I’ll have to go along with it. I still don’t like it and it just means more money flowing from my pockets.
What I will do: I’m not going to buy a ticket. And I’m not going to buy any drinks that night either. I either won’t drink, or will mooch off the boys at the party. I’ve bought a $15 item to be raffled off, and that’s all I’m going to contribute, other than my time and effort. I will also bring my Jenny food. I’m still considering whether to even go or not. My mom thinks I should make an excuse not to go
Raffle prize: $15
Travel: $50
Incidentals: $40
Total: $105
Wedding
Expected: To give a nice gift, be a bridesmaid. Also to pay for my dress, shoes, hair, makeup, nails and pedicure, as well as travel expenses, possibly including a cab ride from the middle of nowhere (expensive!).
What I will do: I’m making a special gift for T that will probably cost me around $80 to do. I figure that’s an adequate gift, and will have meaning for her. I will do the bridesmaid thing, but hopefully will be able to carpool with M on the way down to save on gas. I’ll also be staying with her at her mom’s so I don’t need a hotel room. As for hair, I’ll have to pay to get that done because I suck at it. Nails, too. Pedicure I will do myself if I have to, and makeup as well. Though the makeup will probably be done by a Mary Kay girl… but if she’s not as good as me then I will do it. I’m also going to try my darndest not to have to pay for a cab ride anywhere. Out in the boonies it is sure to be expensive.
Gift: $80
Travel: $50
Dress: $300
Shoes: $100
Hair: $60
Nails/Feet: $45
Makeup: $12
Incidentals: $50
Cash bar: $45
Total: $742
Bachelorette is done, it cost me about $150.
Wedding Fiasco Grand Total: $1,117
*sigh* That sucks. I was hoping to cut costs even more, but I’ve done most of what I can. I don’t know whether it’s worth mentioning this to T. On one hand, I don’t think she realizes how much her wedding is costing the rest of us. On the other hand, I don’t want to stress her out or piss her off either. I really wish she knew how much this was costing us so that we could all work together on reducing costs.
If you have been a bridesmaid before (or even a bride!), how much did you spend on the whole wedding dealy-o? What do you suppose is a reasonable amount? Am I right on track, spending more or less than what it probably should be?
What would you do?
13 responses to “GWS Readers: Help me with this wedding crap!”
Holy sh*t!!!That's a LOT of money for a wedding that isn't even yours.When I got married, we paid for the bridesmaids dresses and their hair. They supplied their own shoes and if they wanted to have their nails or makeup done they paid for it themselves.This stag & doe thing sounds strange. I would find a reason not to go.In my opinion, I think this wedding is costing you a lot more than necessary!! ONE bridal shower gift, ONE wedding gift, and you should only have to travel ONCE, but I know you are going to the shower, so then twice.I hope you can figure this all out, hun – that's a big chunk of change!I hope I wasn't too blunt.
Ginger,
I was a bridesmaid for my sister awhile back, before I started budgeting so I’m not sure how much I spent.
However, I can tell you that my sister was very sensitive about the cost for her bridesmaids. She even budgeted money in her wedding account to buy our dresses. I remember her saying that she knows how much it would costs the bridesmaids for travel, showers, gifts and misc. so she wanted to minimized the cost for us.
Sometimes it gets me a little mad when people think everyone has as much disposable income as they do.
I would just be honest and say you can’t make the wedding shower. Because you are already going to the Stag and Doe and bachelorette party. But you do what you have to do 🙂
Hey ladies,
Thanks for your input! It’s a weird situation and a very touchy one at that, so I appreciate everything you have to say. Don’t worry about being blunt, I was asking for it!
I’ll wait to see if there are any more comments… and I think I’ll talk to my mom again and see what she says now before I make a decision.
It sounds totally over the top. If she really was such a good friend, she would understand that you can’t spend so much. Otherwise, I’d make up an excuse not to go to the stag&doe
Take a look at http://www.theweddingdiamonds.info/wedding_gifts/. Maybe you will find there more cheap ideas for your wedding gift.
It really is expensive to be in a wedding!
Wow, that seems pretty crazy to me. I’m with Mama Bear- I’d find a reason to skip the stag and doe fundraiser.
To be honest you’re probably going to upset her in some way, especially if she is getting stressed, but I think she is asking too much of you.
Have you spoken with the other bridesmaid? perhaps if she feels the same you could get together with the bride and talk it through.
I don’t think there is any easy solution but at the same time do you think your friend would be happy if she realised how much you were stressing about this? She’d probably be really upset that you didn’t feel able to tell her.
I hope it works out.
I’m sitting here stunned… I cannot believe it is costing so much! I hope you can manage to eliminate some of the extras…
Good luck!
I hope your best friend doesn’t read you blog, then she’ll know how you really feel. 😉
Bobby
wow, i thought i had it bad. I spent around $300 (on dress, cabin rental/food for party, and gift). but i was a freshman in college and the only income i had went toward tuition. made it hurt worse that the marriage didn’t make it to my sophomore year.
i guess i just have sensible friends – i’ve never been expected to have my hair/makeup done.
i’m getting married in the fall – my MOH is my sister and she’ll spend only the cost of her gift. the $25 dress is their gift. they’ll do their own hair/makeup and i told them to wear silver shoes of their choice (which she already has).
I get where you are coming from. I am supposed to be in a friends wedding which isn’t for another year but I am trying to figure out the money situation. I am well over 1000 dollars and that is only with plane ticket( I live in the midwest and her wedding will be on the east coast), car rental, and my bridesmaid dress… how I’m going to pay for it all… who knows. And who knows what else she will add before the wedding.
This post rings VERY true to me- I’m in an upcoming wedding for a very dear friend, but I don’t know if she realizes how much this is costing us. I’m in the best position of all the bridesmaids to afford it, and yet I’m still grumpy about it. I’ve spent well over $1500 on train and plane tickets, car rentals, bachelorette party events, the DRESS, shoes, etc., not to mention the shower I have to throw and serve champagne and lunch to 40 of her closest family members. And apparently I was wrong in assuming that the bridesmaids would contribute to the cost of the shower (I’m MOH), because both of her sisters who are bridesmaids flat out refused to help pay for ANYTHING shower-related.
One of my colleagues wisely said that inviting someone to be in your wedding is incredibly narcissistic and selfish, and at first I didn’t get it, but now I understand… I will remember this when it’s my turn to be the bride. I’m mad at tradition for making weddings such complicated, expensive extravaganzas! Multiple showers, parties, gifts, it never ends.
I'm new to your blog and a little late to the party on this one… but I COMPLETELY understand your feelings on this!
Two years ago, my best friend A got married in the town we went to university in, which is in a different province. I was a bridesmaid. I had to take five days off work, during a VERY busy time for me at work, forgoing almost $3000 in wages (due to overtime and long weekend). Then, I had flights ($500), hotel ($500), dress ($300 and ugly as sin), hair ($90 and uglier than the dress!!), makeup ($30 dont even want to go there) and all the incidentals of eating in a town you don't live in, buying drinks, etc. Oh and I rented a car, I forget for how much but probably at least $200. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my girl, but that weekend cost me a FRICKIN' fortune. I mean, thats a month in Mexico right there. I didn't get them a gift because I didn't want to get them some cheap token and I really could NOT afford anything else. I also felt like I really didn't owe them anything else! All the other members of the wedding party were from the same town and just had to pay for the dress.
Problem is, my best friend B is getting married this spring and the costs are already piling up. Fortunately she is only having a maid of honour and its not me due to also not living in the same province. But there is the cost of travel, hotels, new dress (I have nothing appropriate for the setting) and gift. Which brings me to the issue… they have asked for cash. CASH. HOW MUCH CASH DOES ONE GIVE THEIR BEST FRIEND ANYWAYS? "Hi sweetie, here's $20 and a couple toonies I found in my car…" plus they're giving half of it away to charity, which is great in theory but its not a charity I particularly support…. Plus there's the shower which I likely won't be going to due to funds shortage.
All of this just gets to be a bit too much, especially when I'm the single girl who never gets anything reciprocated. I mean, thats a totally selfish way to look at it, but its true. And I would NEVER ask my friends to spend that kind of cash on me if I do ever get married. Mind you, I'm not a big weddings girl.
One last thing… that whole stag & doe/jack & jill thing is a foreign concept to most of the country. I was introduced to it a year or two ago by my boyfriend, who is an Ontario boy. I am with you, it sounds beyond tacky and tasteless. You don't invite them to your wedding but you ask them to come to a party and throw money at you? I thought us westerners were the unrefined ones… So help me if he thinks we are EVER having one of those….
Anyways, I love your site and just had to laugh out loud when I read this post. I have SO been there.